My will to live free
gives me this strength
It is not pure freedom
in selfish wants
but freedom from pain
and uncertainty and wondering
In making a move myself
and arranging the table
as I see fit
I will entertain
on my own terms
and if you need to eat
you must work hard
and show me how much
you really want the nourishment
as you distrusted a meal once
I now distrust your need for it
no more twisting questions
and safe let-downs
in stages of gradual abandonment
I break myself away from bonds
and the pull of a love unrequited
The centre piece of my space
is a clear cut evergreen spray
of all your confusion
with a translation in technicolor blooms
that shout louder as the candle glows
Wax drips smear foliage unkind
and my attention accepts
the soft fragrant petals of love
Love for myself
So this is me... and where I will be
Watch carefully now
My location will change soon
and my heart will be my own.
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Monday 29 September 2008
Saturday 27 September 2008
Double Knit
I have a vision
Of boarding house madness
and feline, prowling company
Of wiry roots in silver hair
that blends to nicotine beige in lengths
Of greasepaint smeared in theatrical rage
on leathered skin and pinched, sunken face
Of flouncing nylon, in layers of unneccessary kitsch
built up from corsets, bandages, bits of silk
and hand knitted sleeves keeping chill from old bones
Of nourishing cats with prime cut beef
while they rip, scratch and tear
at old furniture gathered from years of stories.
Garish colours sit in a twilight life
as a walk to the shop fulfills all that is left
Licking furious, pink stained lips
as the knitting needles start their train track
click clack, click clack
dont think... dont stop
click clack... train track
more sleeves to adorn the layers of years
to keep out the cold and old, bitter pain
They're comfortable though
Made with determination and love
To see out these days...
These empty, trivial days
in numb and cat piss- polyester dreams
and high tension...
...double knit
...and in prelude to this
memories of love gained and lost
of heart given and fulfilled
with every need and want
and then snatched away in seconds
of doubt, pain, confusion and panic
And if love was felt in such purity
for the first and only time
I dare not find it again
So this is why I have my vision
of cat-piss life
My heart clad in blackest coal
and coldest steel
If what I feel now is love and care
then the pain I feel equals
what was given and taken away
I don't want it back... ever again
I will live in beige nondescript
and grey-mist of mundane
I could love again
I could give my warm heart
repeatedly... until the nails
and band aids and cat-gut stitches
can no longer hold the wounds of years
The gaping holes are left
where someone's truthful
heart should have been
The path that sprawls and meanders
...through a pain-filled ventricular abyss
into which I fall... again and again
and in time I will grow hardened
to the rocks of life and slipping sand
But to walk those rocks
and let go of these hopeful grains
I cannot give an inch
Dare not!
Nor smile in any direction
Lest those bonds that wrap my fragile heart
be broken again
and exposed.
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Of boarding house madness
and feline, prowling company
Of wiry roots in silver hair
that blends to nicotine beige in lengths
Of greasepaint smeared in theatrical rage
on leathered skin and pinched, sunken face
Of flouncing nylon, in layers of unneccessary kitsch
built up from corsets, bandages, bits of silk
and hand knitted sleeves keeping chill from old bones
Of nourishing cats with prime cut beef
while they rip, scratch and tear
at old furniture gathered from years of stories.
Garish colours sit in a twilight life
as a walk to the shop fulfills all that is left
Licking furious, pink stained lips
as the knitting needles start their train track
click clack, click clack
dont think... dont stop
click clack... train track
more sleeves to adorn the layers of years
to keep out the cold and old, bitter pain
They're comfortable though
Made with determination and love
To see out these days...
These empty, trivial days
in numb and cat piss- polyester dreams
and high tension...
...double knit
...and in prelude to this
memories of love gained and lost
of heart given and fulfilled
with every need and want
and then snatched away in seconds
of doubt, pain, confusion and panic
And if love was felt in such purity
for the first and only time
I dare not find it again
So this is why I have my vision
of cat-piss life
My heart clad in blackest coal
and coldest steel
If what I feel now is love and care
then the pain I feel equals
what was given and taken away
I don't want it back... ever again
I will live in beige nondescript
and grey-mist of mundane
I could love again
I could give my warm heart
repeatedly... until the nails
and band aids and cat-gut stitches
can no longer hold the wounds of years
The gaping holes are left
where someone's truthful
heart should have been
The path that sprawls and meanders
...through a pain-filled ventricular abyss
into which I fall... again and again
and in time I will grow hardened
to the rocks of life and slipping sand
But to walk those rocks
and let go of these hopeful grains
I cannot give an inch
Dare not!
Nor smile in any direction
Lest those bonds that wrap my fragile heart
be broken again
and exposed.
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Not Enough
It seems that love is not enough
to pull us through right now
If my love cannot heal your pain
I can do nothing more... just wait
It seems that courage is scarce
and decisions are made for others
our wants and needs are put on the shelf
I can do nothing more.... just hope
It seems that I cannot hold on to this
because it is good and true and warm
I would heal you and love you, make you whole
I can do nothing more... just watch
It seems that I will be that watcher
the one who loves from afar
but as long as happiness is in your life
I can do nothing more.... at all
~Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SWRB) 2008
to pull us through right now
If my love cannot heal your pain
I can do nothing more... just wait
It seems that courage is scarce
and decisions are made for others
our wants and needs are put on the shelf
I can do nothing more.... just hope
It seems that I cannot hold on to this
because it is good and true and warm
I would heal you and love you, make you whole
I can do nothing more... just watch
It seems that I will be that watcher
the one who loves from afar
but as long as happiness is in your life
I can do nothing more.... at all
~Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SWRB) 2008
Crisis Point
In the depths of despair
and Hell and limbo
Sinking to floor-worn knees
Wailing and questioning
Grabbing, dragging in clenched fist
and woe-swollen heart
until numbness creeps in
and vacant stare
Mind an ever-swirling circle of mess
Body exhausted from heave and shake
Pausing.... about to leave the floor
and take that one step
it doesnt happen
Rising into comforting arms
guided into salvation
but the comfort stops
SLAP!
That's what is needed
and again...
head is extracted from arsehole
with harsh truth
SLAP!
in love and friendship and care
Feet guided back, not cold
but stronger and loved
in warm pain
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
and Hell and limbo
Sinking to floor-worn knees
Wailing and questioning
Grabbing, dragging in clenched fist
and woe-swollen heart
until numbness creeps in
and vacant stare
Mind an ever-swirling circle of mess
Body exhausted from heave and shake
Pausing.... about to leave the floor
and take that one step
it doesnt happen
Rising into comforting arms
guided into salvation
but the comfort stops
SLAP!
That's what is needed
and again...
head is extracted from arsehole
with harsh truth
SLAP!
in love and friendship and care
Feet guided back, not cold
but stronger and loved
in warm pain
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Maze
Again and again
I find myself in the maze
through twisted neurones
and walls of seeping blood
I stumble around this corner
and that corridor
Through scraping branches
of bitter sweet hope
lost in dead ends
and brick walls
This one dead end knew
It knew where it was taking me
and that it would become brick
and cold and confused
enough to throw those branches
into my hopeful heart
and leach the very last drops
before it tumbles down on itself
and cries and crumbles
and hides... to appear again
on another route with the same purpose
There is a carousel here
in the middle of these tall hedges
it waits for me, beckons
everytime it is there
the same 360 view
spinning until I cant think
mesmorising, hypnotising
manipulating and still crying
I hate it now, the horses with no heads
still leer and beckon with absent eyes
and tongues...
I walk away back into the maze
to wait for my wall to figure out what it wants
and if it doesnt want me
it will turn me away
but if it knew the answer
it would let me pass now
in definite strength
and solid hope
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
I find myself in the maze
through twisted neurones
and walls of seeping blood
I stumble around this corner
and that corridor
Through scraping branches
of bitter sweet hope
lost in dead ends
and brick walls
This one dead end knew
It knew where it was taking me
and that it would become brick
and cold and confused
enough to throw those branches
into my hopeful heart
and leach the very last drops
before it tumbles down on itself
and cries and crumbles
and hides... to appear again
on another route with the same purpose
There is a carousel here
in the middle of these tall hedges
it waits for me, beckons
everytime it is there
the same 360 view
spinning until I cant think
mesmorising, hypnotising
manipulating and still crying
I hate it now, the horses with no heads
still leer and beckon with absent eyes
and tongues...
I walk away back into the maze
to wait for my wall to figure out what it wants
and if it doesnt want me
it will turn me away
but if it knew the answer
it would let me pass now
in definite strength
and solid hope
~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Thursday 4 September 2008
Rock
So, what is left? Within this time...
The foundations shift and change
Peacefully and with conviction
My conviction is here...It's the only thing left
Of friendship and words and warmth
Thoughts of when and how...but no if's
So my mind is noisy and within happiness there is grief
A flame beneath a calm spring of emotion
A strange contradiction of elements, spreads North
The place where magnetic life both ends and begins
Where pain exists beneath love and joy
Whirling winds meeting on a laser point
Throwing some of us further out
yet others closer and yet more of them feeling torn
and confused ... and alone
In breaking warm bread and sipping sweet wine
There is no foolish, external salvation
Just what will be ...
in earth and cement and rock
~ Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
The foundations shift and change
Peacefully and with conviction
My conviction is here...It's the only thing left
Of friendship and words and warmth
Thoughts of when and how...but no if's
So my mind is noisy and within happiness there is grief
A flame beneath a calm spring of emotion
A strange contradiction of elements, spreads North
The place where magnetic life both ends and begins
Where pain exists beneath love and joy
Whirling winds meeting on a laser point
Throwing some of us further out
yet others closer and yet more of them feeling torn
and confused ... and alone
In breaking warm bread and sipping sweet wine
There is no foolish, external salvation
Just what will be ...
in earth and cement and rock
~ Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)