Thursday, 18 December 2008


There are often times that I think that I could never let this go. That I will carry this love for eternity; hidden, braved and simmering quietly amongst the hum-drum of everyday life. There are other things that are offered. The six cups show me my options, yet I throw cloth over them and pay no attention. They levitate and dance around me and I simply turn away. The contents of them make me feel sick and stale, through to my very core. That one cup, the seventh vessel, bubbles alone in the corner. No cloth covering its contents, the vapours of hope, want and need rising with the rhythm of a beating heart. I see the vapour condense and carefully drip down the wall, refilling the chalice with reborn dreams. As I turn my thoughts to it again and again, I hear the clanging of metal hit the floor as sensibility crashes and burns. The cloths soaked with the blood of sweat and tears, the guilded sparkle, tarnished and worn. Abandon all hope, ye who enter this place. The corners are bright but unattainable.

~ Leccie aka SRWB aka Defyance 2008

Monday, 29 September 2008


My will to live free
gives me this strength
It is not pure freedom
in selfish wants
but freedom from pain
and uncertainty and wondering
In making a move myself
and arranging the table
as I see fit
I will entertain
on my own terms
and if you need to eat
you must work hard
and show me how much
you really want the nourishment
as you distrusted a meal once
I now distrust your need for it
no more twisting questions
and safe let-downs
in stages of gradual abandonment
I break myself away from bonds
and the pull of a love unrequited
The centre piece of my space
is a clear cut evergreen spray
of all your confusion
with a translation in technicolor blooms
that shout louder as the candle glows
Wax drips smear foliage unkind
and my attention accepts
the soft fragrant petals of love
Love for myself
So this is me... and where I will be
Watch carefully now
My location will change soon
and my heart will be my own.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Saturday, 27 September 2008


Double Knit

I have a vision
Of boarding house madness
and feline, prowling company
Of wiry roots in silver hair
that blends to nicotine beige in lengths
Of greasepaint smeared in theatrical rage
on leathered skin and pinched, sunken face
Of flouncing nylon, in layers of unneccessary kitsch
built up from corsets, bandages, bits of silk
and hand knitted sleeves keeping chill from old bones
Of nourishing cats with prime cut beef
while they rip, scratch and tear
at old furniture gathered from years of stories.
Garish colours sit in a twilight life
as a walk to the shop fulfills all that is left
Licking furious, pink stained lips
as the knitting needles start their train track
click clack, click clack
dont think... dont stop
click clack... train track
more sleeves to adorn the layers of years
to keep out the cold and old, bitter pain
They're comfortable though
Made with determination and love
To see out these days...
These empty, trivial days
in numb and cat piss- polyester dreams
and high tension...
...double knit

...and in prelude to this
memories of love gained and lost
of heart given and fulfilled
with every need and want
and then snatched away in seconds
of doubt, pain, confusion and panic
And if love was felt in such purity
for the first and only time
I dare not find it again
So this is why I have my vision
of cat-piss life
My heart clad in blackest coal
and coldest steel
If what I feel now is love and care
then the pain I feel equals
what was given and taken away
I don't want it back... ever again
I will live in beige nondescript
and grey-mist of mundane
I could love again
I could give my warm heart
repeatedly... until the nails
and band aids and cat-gut stitches
can no longer hold the wounds of years
The gaping holes are left
where someone's truthful
heart should have been
The path that sprawls and meanders
...through a pain-filled ventricular abyss
into which I fall... again and again
and in time I will grow hardened
to the rocks of life and slipping sand
But to walk those rocks
and let go of these hopeful grains
I cannot give an inch
Dare not!
Nor smile in any direction
Lest those bonds that wrap my fragile heart
be broken again
and exposed.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Not Enough

It seems that love is not enough
to pull us through right now
If my love cannot heal your pain
I can do nothing more... just wait
It seems that courage is scarce
and decisions are made for others
our wants and needs are put on the shelf
I can do nothing more.... just hope
It seems that I cannot hold on to this
because it is good and true and warm
I would heal you and love you, make you whole
I can do nothing more... just watch
It seems that I will be that watcher
the one who loves from afar
but as long as happiness is in your life
I can do nothing more.... at all

~Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SWRB) 2008

Crisis Point

In the depths of despair
and Hell and limbo
Sinking to floor-worn knees
Wailing and questioning
Grabbing, dragging in clenched fist
and woe-swollen heart
until numbness creeps in
and vacant stare
Mind an ever-swirling circle of mess
Body exhausted from heave and shake
Pausing.... about to leave the floor
and take that one step
it doesnt happen
Rising into comforting arms
guided into salvation
but the comfort stops
That's what is needed
and again...
head is extracted from arsehole
with harsh truth
in love and friendship and care
Feet guided back, not cold
but stronger and loved
in warm pain

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Again and again
I find myself in the maze
through twisted neurones
and walls of seeping blood
I stumble around this corner
and that corridor
Through scraping branches
of bitter sweet hope
lost in dead ends
and brick walls
This one dead end knew
It knew where it was taking me
and that it would become brick
and cold and confused
enough to throw those branches
into my hopeful heart
and leach the very last drops
before it tumbles down on itself
and cries and crumbles
and hides... to appear again
on another route with the same purpose
There is a carousel here
in the middle of these tall hedges
it waits for me, beckons
everytime it is there
the same 360 view
spinning until I cant think
mesmorising, hypnotising
manipulating and still crying
I hate it now, the horses with no heads
still leer and beckon with absent eyes
and tongues...
I walk away back into the maze
to wait for my wall to figure out what it wants
and if it doesnt want me
it will turn me away
but if it knew the answer
it would let me pass now
in definite strength
and solid hope

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Thursday, 4 September 2008


So, what is left? Within this time...
The foundations shift and change
Peacefully and with conviction
My conviction is here...It's the only thing left
Of friendship and words and warmth
Thoughts of when and how...but no if's
So my mind is noisy and within happiness there is grief
A flame beneath a calm spring of emotion
A strange contradiction of elements, spreads North
The place where magnetic life both ends and begins
Where pain exists beneath love and joy
Whirling winds meeting on a laser point
Throwing some of us further out
yet others closer and yet more of them feeling torn
and confused ... and alone
In breaking warm bread and sipping sweet wine
There is no foolish, external salvation
Just what will be ...
in earth and cement and rock

~ Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Reflective Heat

It's a little more than warm; as she reads these words
from someone so very similar
She is further down his twisted path
with the realisation that it is not significant
That is the point when he will envisage her fire
When crash and burn becomes real and harsh (and hot!)
The egocentric flow becomes an ebb
amidst rivers of virulent and impossible flame
She doesn't want to dampen this heat, only temper
It damages her thoroughly, a text book case of hives
A physician could take the red from her skin
and return it to normality; a cool spark
Slow burning embers breathing with frequency
and not; as she dares stay still, shadowed and silent
Cutting them all out, as the doctor would
a self-administered preparation; as required
Pain is numbed in the extinguishing of the inferno.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Sunday, 27 July 2008


In having you (and you)
I find no contentment
only a nerves edge
and constant thought
problem solving a guarantee
Every day, every hour
I can't have you
and in questioning
the emotional process
it is very shallow
and tepid; almost cool
Too cool, no reality shows
That was the problem
It wasn't real
Cardboard cut-out and
uniform actions
Gave me nothing to bite into
Empty, vapid spaces swirling
instead of substance and heat
But when I look back
It was never there
Anyone can talk shit
when steeped in cheap vodka
And I think that you thought
that my "amazingness"
would carry us both
but it didn't
and it can't

~ Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Saturday, 26 July 2008

Other Half

I wondered as you stroked my hair
Staring into the fireplace, not daring to move
I wonder often as you come to my aid
Your unconditional love does not go unnoticed
I cannot act on it
I wish I could... without a care
But the cycle is still there
It all seems so right
My head on your lap
I can't take that step
The one which makes it DONE
I do want it sometimes
But look at us
Seriously, did it work before?
I wont hurt them again
I cant
WE cant
So if I take those touches
yet don't follow through
in my fear of making decisions
that will put us back
You're my love
my friend
the other side of me
in knowing that
We might not ever be
But friendship?
I can't give that up
So stroke my hair
and tell me it's alright
Love me and hold me
but don't expect
definitive answers
right now ...

~ Charlotte Sometimes(SRWB) 2008


no control over this new land
smoke billows and smothers
and the aftershock travels far
snow and ice grab hold
and we hold on
the form is changing
as rotten clouds spew into the sky
will it continue? wont it?
its blackened the sky
a red hue glimpsed in the distance
that's the one we need to avoid
watch it... carefully
How far is it going to travel?
If it doesn't stop soon
We are leaving... abruptly
Days and days are dark
and smokey and unclear
visibility is near-gone
the compass can no longer show
directions... magnetic field screwed
If we leave in any way
we have giant waves to negotiate
and the possibility
that we are walking into the Lions Den
wrong way
but what choice do we have
It's hold on or die
and with our minds intact
dying is not an option
The compass spins... I shake
It doesn't settle
I reach into my gut and walk
with you
and I think it's somewhere
Somewhere over here
We walk in that direction
and face whatever comes our way
But we are here... and still fighting
So that has to be good
Even though the clouds
and the mountain
continue their obstruction
and destruction

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Too many minds involved
in this work of art
Taking words and molding
what shouldn't belong
Ego-centric morons read
and twist and squeeze
where no meaning exists
when finding something
that is truly here
in black and white
Significance and vanity
breeds intolerance within
until then
you're nothing
Except you are something
Just a small part
In fuelling my anger
which makes me write
of course
I wrote about wallpaper
What does that really tell you?
Think about it

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Friday, 25 July 2008

A Night With You

I notice your presence before
I see your confident face
My corner surrounds me and I
Feel good as the liquid slides down
I lean my head back and listen
To good times, I’m nearly relaxed.

Every line and form, every
Endearing and infuriating
Mannerism has become too significant
I start to lose, I shake and
I shift and I look at my feet
We don’t touch or speak but we can feel

The street is cold, damp and bitter
Shouting and pushing, you drive your
Small hands through your hair.
You look exasperated for a moment
And then that hard, conceited, likeable
Grin spreads across your face and I try again.

I hit high, I hit low, I win
And I lose a hundred times
Before we hit home
The room is hot but strange
Filled with hate, anger, lust
And a small amount of affection.

I feel warm as I press against you
Warm, but not safe
Feigning sleep as we change
Over and over
The sunlight is harsh and I
Don’t look at you for too long

I leave in seconds and
Slam your matter-of-fact front door.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes 2001


This cushy circle sickens me
It crawled into my mind
As you crawled out.
In this good-time space, clinking
Drinking, sinking...Do you
Know how I feel?
It’s dark sometimes
When I hide my face
And I stare at this sad, sad scene.
Poor, pitiful, deathless me,
Am I beautifully unfortunate?
Don’t answer that.
I look outside, contented for most,
Tense stress free seconds
Ring any bells?
When I’m dragged back in
Will I lose control for a while?
Standing far too close to my soul.
Cynical and typical, first I doubt
Then I throw up
Are you enjoying your death-watch dear?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001


Sweet scent of never-ending, darkest night
How your strength denies my very soul.
The pull of flickering essence leaves me gasping;
and yearning, as little by little ,
you leave me drained to my succulent core.
Down a crimson shade with scarlet hues.
Twisting your emotive blade so deep in
aromatic, dark, warm haemorrhage envelopes.
These feelings evade me, so still, so quiet;
they leave me like swift feathers on pulsating winds.
Mere physical outlines, a blistered, empty void.
Flimsy, speechless, floating agony keeps watch as
silent hissing remains in a peaceful swarm of hate.
Surrounding me until the sweet song may return
once more, to fill my boiling, morbus heart.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

The End

In conscient fear - I reject this
Time of new; twice now
The will to return; to go back
Always strong in itself - not more than me

Pursue the notion? Mind told yes
And again I doubt and protect
Several opinions swing back and forth
With no actual time to think

The pit of my stomach alive yet
In mind I remain cold
Bold walking, but I hang here
Confused in transient space.

Comfort, past or risk? Gone now
But not missed in peaceful loneliness
For the sake of excitement I’m here
Or is it real? Wasted? Unreciprocated?

Too many minds involved now
I’ll retreat to cold pain
Abrupt acknowledgement - do not take offence
I mean this to end now with indifference.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Straining to see through oil-glazed iris
She loses her vision of golden, clear life.
In frail, neurone mirage, she cries out
Weakness flows in twisting knife.

In paralytic slumber, a low, dull thud
Shakes her desiccated shell as she sleeps.
Through quiet drainage of senses, she hides
Strength leaves her as she weeps.

During haze of numbness, desperate to hear
The churning stop, the hollow sounds cease.
Echoes of stabbing pain repeat, she slips
Inside changing reality for deafening peace.

In confusing aroma of much altered state
Not knowing if she can touch or save.
Through every other mornings sedative blur
Serotonin glimpse makes her brave

In this schizophrenic scene, she hopes and pulls
Back and forth her intentions
Once love, now hate, then love again
No time to regret this affection.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001

Digital Lie

Your addictive prison
Entwines your soul
Until you can no longer
Breath unaided
By your blue-lit capture
You are nothing within yourself
Forming pixelated memories
Until they bleed away true thought
In the same electrified space
You cannot break these bonds
Fantasy becomes reality
You can no longer see
Solar essence between the cracks
A digital lie
Believing your own fabricated world
You weep
And sweat
And slowly putrefy within
Your own cage.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Repetitive Sacrificial Ashes

Like a divine, sacrificial lamb
Bound and open for all to witness
It is death – the freak show.
Blood spills easily into
turbulent pools filled with
rancid boils that burst
within those captive hearts
Marking them, infecting them
The hunted, stagnant prey
A poor, spoiled wretch emerges
as your putrid web decomposes
before your contaminated eyes.

Your foul, beautiful victims arise
and still you play the whipping boy
A small scapegoat, feeling validated
Yet your defiled audience grows weak
and sick at your every falsified word.
Rotting, fetid, decayed vision of superiority
A Messiah with complexities
that are so self-absorbed
making your phoenix ashes
almost impenetrable
Just blown away little by little
until the wretch has no new land to discover.

Manna turns to a deceitful feast
as you struggle to keep the hungry larvae
from showing themselves in their true form
They are squirming under your perfect mask
becoming more apparent with time.
The view of you bound and stretched
is sickening, as we look on in anticipation
To see you sacrifice yourself again and again
before wounded and diseased spectators
who sigh and gasp, as your circus becomes no more
than hilarity and utter chaos.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Inner Conflict

Last night I dreamed of a peaceful storm
Heavy clouds of salted emotion gathering
A battle cry of silent signals resonating
A sky burst so beautiful, so bright
No sound accompanied its hushed finale
Just Technicolor rushes of space
over an oceans monolithic Henge
Aged rocks with depths of emotion entwined in
a calm aqueous swirl, belying the chaos above
Errant lightning stabs and taunts
as if to wake the slumbering water
from its ancient stubborn trance
The waves remain soft and still against it,
Silently willing the heavenly torrent back to sleep
This astral spectacular, the war of my soul
Which victory shall we celebrate this night?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Busy Street In November

I try not to cry so easily
With an expression or word
Sometimes barely visible
Audible, mostly hostile
Attitudes heave on others
My heart sinks when they speak
Quietly, pretending I know what you want
I truly do not
I want to stop you dead!
I needed to, didn’t want to
I retreated into the gap inside insanity
Time to skip back to friends
Fast time, no space inbetween
I know where you go, who you’re with
And I retch!
I hide my tears in this busy street
Turn around and away
Did you see?
Or am I paranoid and hoping?

~ Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001


Why do I sit
steeped in caffeine
and ponder?

Why do I write
lost in thought
and wonder?

Why do I bother
to express my soul
in parts?

What will I achieve
through these words
and these arts?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


A stifling heat contained, unreleased
Brings pain in itself, over the pain it longs to give
In one moment, one vision of my mind
Enlightenment brings the pieces together

The wants and needs of my being appear
Laid bare, for me to examine and contemplate
Not shown to me through physical promises
Just a fleeting view of who I am

I find fear among my clarity, raw fear
A mutual reluctance between body and mind
Terrifying regret cuts me as I realise
That who I was, in youthful years...

...Really is who I am today.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


I dare not express these needs
They bubble and rise within my belly
But to accept who I am again is terrifying
Burned once in the Heaven of being true
A Heaven that soon became Hell
I measure all against the pain you gave me
Your obsessive, sadistic, controlling mind
The one that I trusted to protect me
The one that promised me love and warmth
You used me as a source to vent your anger
I was nothing more than a displayed trophy
A toy to be used again and again at your will
You broke me all those years ago
And now I stand in no man’s land
Not able to be true to myself
Not wanting the alternative
I have tried it
So, I stand alone.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


It is too much effort
to work through this,
An endless maze of questions
and pain.
Wanted for the right reasons
by the wrong people.
I am not so bold
nor so broken.
My needs are too specific now -
Too finely tuned.
I fit neither here, not there
My fear keeps me from "there"
Wanting is not enough
So I shall stay quiet a while
and watch
persuasively at times
but with silence.
And what of my needs?
Like a well-trained masseuse
You cannot remove your hand from me
Put distance between us and I will remember
and turn to crumbled stone
It is not simply a case of helplessness
My fear is born from distance
and disapproval.
Look at my eyes, seriously
and tell me what you see.

Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Behind The Door

Words released from tongue and fingers
remain wild and wondering
Pale and pure flesh dances
- to mindful thoughts and games
Movement mimed in time with strength
Waited for patiently, willingly
A process known, yet not pre-empted
in this shade of possession
There are no hidden corners
Just darkness
Enlightened by a smile
as the door closes.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

A Solitary Decision

Watch me carefully, my friend
Watch me break and walk away
Denial blanking my truth
No nurturing here - ’tis gone
No love, peace, safe, warm
A harsh, calculated fall
Walls of callous, rancid cement grow strong
Rebuilding through years of pain
Quietly conspiring a different tale
Uncared sleep infused with a different story
I will not give again, I cannot
This trying belief tires me
That I will mend and heal
Yet I break again and again
Like a porcelain doll
Spread it on thick
to cover the cracks
But there is only one choice now
A solitary decision.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Jacks Eye

When night was dark
While city slept
A nightmare demon
In a bedroom, crept

Up he jumped
On a bed so high
And bounced upon Jack
’til out popped his eye

Down jelly slither
To bloodshot globe
Laughing and swinging
From nose to lobe

Jack woke with a scream
He started to cry
Tears mix with sweat
As he felt for his eye

Demon jumped down
So far to the floor
Laughing with glee
He ran out of the door

Jack sat up straight
Still crying and screaming
His head in his hands
But he was just dreaming.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001


Perched on the edge
a force behind me
insisting I move
All that is now
is good, so very good
I am loved, cherished
I sink into your occasional love
as you sink into me
Penetrating my fickle flesh
For a moments need
Behind me is bad
Forward is terrifying
I want to stay here
with my brainless sources of comfort
and need
I want to wallow in its luxury
Today my memories of reaching out
stay sore on my skin
Marked, stained
A quick fix medal
I don’t often allow
Dare I stop?
Dare I leave?
Dare I jump?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Can we sit here a while
While I quietly push
Push you gently
Gently but firmly over
Over the edge
The edge that is out of sight
Sight and mind

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Empty Victory

Retain the grace to face your irritant head on little one
Within my snarling need to rip limb from limb
I find a peace, a solace and some small pleasure
You breathe life into my stone clad heart
Feed my hunger to conquer
and serve it all up.... cold
Yet you do not impress me
How very empty and still you seem
In finding no fight I can see your fall
A feigned struggle against empty bonds
That is all.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

The Price Of SIN

She catches her breath as still as death
A taste eternally plaguing her tongue
Toxic hunger burning with solitude
Squandering love and remembered delusion
Claws that leave behind broken flesh
And malicious, shattered soul
Agile, sparkling shards of what was
And will never be again
In resurrection she sees a tainted past
Of fragile, immaculate submission
Wandering through lustful, nettled paths
Feeling the pulsing aneurism, relentless
Promising, tempting her to bite
In fulfilling that greed, the forest will stir
Rough, heartless flora entwining her need
Nothing left but to twist and shake within
her sick, sold-out memories
She now has a will to face her beast
To drive her own claws into his soul
Enslaving him forever, watching him
Daring him, her ripped bodice a sacred sign
Wearing it eternally in defiant torment
THIS is the delicious price of SIN.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


The failure of trust
starts with thinking
about those feelings
and then denying them
long before you will
acknowledge them, making them real
Whether in love or guilt
Passion or shame
Trust is always betrayed
in the mind
By thinking of those feelings
Acknowledgment is never
Far away

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001

Sinner or Saint?

A first flicker of violent flame
A battle of desire and purity
A war of pleasure and pain
A secret, delicate smile higher
A wanton, lustful sneer beneath
A decorous, clean expression
Intense, biting heat rejected
Entwined intricately together
In glorious, blasphemous sensation
A lure created between Heaven and Hell

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Pushing The Limits

So long now, but I dare not say it
Thoughts in my mind have fermented
And I want it
But as always it is not there
Not when I need it
And crave it
Can't you see it?
It's a game of poetic frustration
Hidden words and disguised images
But you dont seem to discover them
It has always been there
Honesty evades the best of us

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Summer Moon

I never felt so alive that night
So many wrong turns with the wind in our hair
Ridiculously strong
Our bodies and minds travelling quickly under
an intoxicating summer moon
Her warm, heavy glow illuminating our heart beats
Tendrils of half-light wrapping themselves around
our speeding, electrified limbs
Asphyxiated laughter plays on the cold night air
Vapours have no time to appear
Life is too fast for such trivialities
We talked and played with life itself in those moments
In the small, liberating hours of that dark morning
I have never forgotten it
and never will.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Emotional Blockage

She sits here, to steep a while
In her numb, perfidious space
A space that shrinks and suffocates
break after break
Burnt again to tumble into indifference
Indifference that disguises anger
Emotion boils somewhere inside
She wrenches at it, pleads
It is heavy, embedded
Simmering slick as the pressure builds
It's been a long time
Claustrophic temper was here once
And it's here now
Alien head ascending
Pushing, flowing
Yet solid and stubborn
Left or right?
She hates being stuck
and broken.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

A Game Of Paralysis

I am still, my breathing slows
Pulse rushing, exhausted
Drained, hardly alive
A lagged, paralytic struggle
Bruised and used to the very core
Yet I still play and taunt
Thickened black below
Violent red above
I am inbetween worlds
Grabbed, snatched, falling back
Whatever reaches out of the dark
Wants me, intensely
But I float away, teasing
You can't have me
Or maybe you can
Here... feel that, hear that
Just within reach, almost
You can't see my eyes
I dare not raise them
But you know what they show
And that makes it worse
Instead my red lips display it
Defiance, amusement, pain, fear
You can have all of that
And more?
Do you still want it back?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Defyance : Short Story

She pulls her coat a little tighter around herself. The cold air is cutting through the fabric a little more this evening; the winds a little more...biting. She shivers and then smiles. At least the temperature makes her feel a little alive. Something she has not felt for a long time, not in the usual sense. Not these days; although there was a time when she did feel that warm rush of excitement in feeling her heart beat a little faster.
It is still tonight, not a sound to be heard or felt. She knows why, she has been waiting for this sign. It has always served her well and kept her "alive" through, what seemed like, an eternity of anguish and pain. Why did her life have to be this way?
The cobbled street plays hell with her 5 inch heels as she begins to walk... slowly. She doesn't feel fear, only premature satisfaction. The apartment building is vast and oppressive. The darkness gives another signal, no lights in the windows, not one. She sighs deeply and rolls her eyes, stepping forward into the porch way to announce her presence to her lover.
After a few seconds, the doors in front of her come to life with a buzzing sound and open of their own accord. She steps into the dark hallway and waits a little while for her keen eyes to adjust to the blackness. The elevator door is open, waiting expectantly for her. She walks through them and another shiver passes through her as she feels the cold air from the shaft hit her without warning. She gets the feeling she has just been "eaten" but she knows this is just the appetiser.
The doors slide open onto another dark passageway, the apartment door directly in front of her beckons expectantly.
The brass lettering on the door of room 7609 glints through the darkness, offering the challenge that was more. Her fear returns quickly and she panics. Feelings are not a good sign. What if she is wrong this time?
But she knows that she is not wrong, as her fear dissipates and the door before her slowly opens.
The huge, overbearing piece of flesh and warm blood stands before her and smiles. His grin is a challenge. She can feel him, he is filling the air around him with a need so obvious and intense she almost feels pity. She watches him salivate, his tongue rolling over his teeth again and again.
And it is a great pity; a pity that this pathetic creature cannot hold her on his own. She feels a twinge of sadness and amusement as she remembers that she has had to watch this whole plot hatch before her very eyes for the last 12 months. So much detail; so many painstakingly planned words and operations. How very sad she has felt, night after night, as she played the game.... played into their hands.
She walks forward into his arms and he hugs her, a little too tightly. His hands move over her body impatiently. Another fuck up there, he is too hurried, he has no control. She knows exactly what she is walking into and yet she lets him guide her through the doorway and into the black hole inside.
The apartment is darker still inside but she knows every inch of it. She can sense it; reaching out from somewhere inside of her she can trace every corner and detail. When she finds the other two men crouching in a corner of the blackness, she puts her head down and smiles to herself.
"You never fail me" the voice in her head sighs. "You are always right"
She is standing in the centre of the living room when she feels the first flush of her growth. Just a tingle, a prickle of goose bumps as the wind outside starts to creep and swirl into her soul. Her broken body and mind start to gain strength and healing.
The deep, red lacerations, where her wrists have been bound, start to fade along with the bruises and welts on the rest of her body.
The three men surround her but start to shift uneasily in their places. Moving their weight from one foot to the other; their excitement diminishing as confusion starts to creep into their minds.
She raises her eyes and looks defiantly into those of her murderers, one by one. The return from this space always has such an impact...and she relishes the reactions every time.
They look puzzled for a second and then fear starts to creep into their own eyes like summer storm clouds, gathering slowly and quietly above their unsuspecting victims.
"Come here my Man" she whispers softly to her main assailant... "Come and take what you really want"
She reaches out to him; her eyes now showing innocence instead of the "knowing" displayed in them a second before. He hesitates, battling with his fear for a second and then starts to laugh.
"You have such brave words tonight, little one. have you not had enough already? Surely you were broken a minute ago" He leers at her.
She smiles softly and the growth pinches again. She holds it back for just a little longer. She wants the pathetic excuses for Men before her to feel the full force of what is to happen.
"I have no need to be brave, my Man" she sighs
He walks towards her, the other men start to laugh and move closer. He focuses his eyes upon hers, reaches around the back of her head and entwines his fingers harshly into her long, dark, thick hair. She continues to meet his gaze defiantly. His anger breaks through now, she sees his eyes change... it is an uncertain anger though... his control is slipping. He clenches his hand into a fist in her hair and jerks her head backwards.
She panics for a moment as she feels the tendons in her neck pop and crack. She mustn't wait too long now.
"Now... bitch! It seems we didn't quite finish you off" he spits into her face. "What did you say? Try saying it again", his voice becomes cold and quieter with the question but his anger is still bubbling underneath it.
"Take what you want my Man" she whispers. Her voice comes out as a small gasp... straining to be heard against the weight of his hands pulling on the back of her head and restricting her airway.
He laughs again, his grip getting stronger until she can feel her spine start to complain under its weight. The hand in her hair pushes forward violently and releases her suddenly. She is thrown to the floor and the carpet rubs and burns her knees, forearms and face as she falls.
The three men circle her now and her growth starts to shift again; restless, it pushes and tugs at her core.
"It is time" she whispers into the rough pile beneath her.
She allows the winds inside her to pick up speed. Her eyes blur and she feels the beginnings of tears prick at the inner corners. The ache on her shoulders and spine becomes hot and torturous and a small moan escapes her lips.
The three men stop their stalking dance and watch in confusion as the frail woman beneath them throws her strength out into the dark room. It is a strength that drowns their brute-like power; a strength that cannot be matched with muscle and external force.
The first buds of her shadowed wings burst from between her shoulder blades and her eyes become clear and golden. Not of an amber hue... but a liquid gold that cannot be picked from anything other than the brightest of unearthly metals. These same eyes move and change, the irises swirling like whirlpools in the stormiest oceans. The wings are grown now... they start to unfold slowly, creeping towards the corners of the room as they reach their full magnificent size. The black feathers on them shimmer and shudder as every part of them pivots and stretches.
The "Men" are still staring, observing the scene before them with their confusion still embedded heavily on their faces. They seem to be moving away, slowly and carefully. But there is nowhere for them to go as they become surrounded in the black feathers and an energy so strong and oppressive they can barely breath.
She starts to pull herself up to her full height... still such a delicate, frail physicality in comparison, yet she seems more than a force to be reckoned with as her eyes pierce their darkened souls and her wings surround their sickened hearts.
"Who the fuck are you?" main Man asks, still staring in disbelief at the scene before him. The others subconsciously edge towards him... almost as if to cower behind his bulk.
She replies with a debauched cackle from her blood-red lips.
"I am the daughter of my dark father, my name is Defyance: Temptress Of The Twisted. Welcome gentlemen...Daddy is waiting for you"

Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Required peace so resistant to my call
Dominion drags inside my mind
Little pieces of me, not quite understanding
except one, poor thing
Wanting to wrap you in my heart
and take you with me
Warm comfort easing your tears
You still steam roller me
That's the first thing I thought when we met
You screamed and I cried that day
So how can I leave you now?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

La Luna Et Le Lac

Harsh yet subtle contrasts
Black against white turns to grey
I am you and you are me
As you are She
Lost in time reunited
Memories carried and absorbed
Your stillness ripples and belies
The tumultuous tempest boiling beneath
The calm solidifies and this is where we meet
Revived imperfect you're unable to capture
the metaphors seen in your form.
Immense revival of spirit within
Home waited for and thrown out
What expression should be searched for
Infinite times
Yet it is something more.

The Ledge

Tabloid roses fulfil these dramatic dreams
Under green, clouded, toxic sky
I ride this hazard to its end
Sitting here on the ledge
Looking up, not down
Up into the ride, after the fall
I hold on with one hand, white knuckled
Not daring to abandon this one safe place
But the wind is strong, wrenching my arms
Throwing them wide open, I cannot resist
Wrapping my hair around them, binding me
Into this game again
I have no choice
But to fall
Once more.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Optical Illusion

Salted fluid slicks over emerald orbs
Cowered beneath thick, twisted spikes
Emerging below garnet-flung, crawling mesh
Painted, piercing and glazed to taunt and tease
Jewels return to ore-state through memories
Clouded with chemical, vitreous pain
Innocence now hidden, can be feigned
Softness in kohl betrays shattered illusions
Knowing lurks beneath, flashes briefly
Entwined in snagged, ancient silk
Replaced with fantastical view
Playing out with one pure look
Chasing another knowing glance
A schizophrenic vision, premeditated
To make you mine.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Take The Storm

Within incestuous, warm, breeding ground
You take the lash upon yourself
not meant in your direction.
I see fault in my actions
Yet your reaction is wrong too.
Maybe our expectations are misguided
Do we really know each other?
It seems not right now
And while I will lie down
and take your storm
I need you to take mine too.
You have always known that
I presumed you did
I hope tomorrow you will see it
Because I love you

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Under my skin you slide and crawl
I try to put you "there"
But you stay here
Moving and writhing
Around blood and corpuscle
Flesh is irrelevant
The mind fuck is a movie
A crystal clear vision
Brittle as the stubborn ice
Solidifying on my driveway
Demanding my attention
Expecting me to work hard
To find its core and crack it
Never sated, always wanting more
My body moves of its own accord
I have no control over what I want
But I shouldn't want it
You leave briefly
Sporadically, it's never the right time
But the rocks beneath this landscape
Contain you
Hard and cold, yet warm and necessary
Warmth that grows in its heat
Tick tock, every minute marked
An intensity that I have held away for too long
Giving my mind to other things
I have an urge to repeat the pattern
But I don't think I can
This fatal time
The clock won't stop

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


The room is high above the world
I line up a 12 minute remix
I hate this job and I need time
Time to smoke and breathe
I turn around to look for my cigarettes
I can't find them
But I find you
And there you are, smiling
That fucking smile!
You can't shock me or break me
Because I will not crack, ever!
You don't give up
Yet I know I am about to give in
I lose the battle like a maiden in distress
Artfully performed of course
You have my smokes
You taunt me with them
Holding them out and taking them away
Finally dropping them on the floor
I frown and you laugh as you grab me
9 minutes left
My head echoes the plaster
As I slam against the wall
Hands, pushing roughly
That sick smile still on your face
I lose the fight too easily
And let you in
Pulling, pushing, grabbing, biting
The fabric of my clothes as broken as my body
And mind
4 minutes left
You pound yourself into me harder
Your breathing fast and hard in my neck now
2 minutes and I scream
Shit... I gave in
What the fuck am I going to do now?
You come back, again and again
My time is over here, I light a cigarette
But all I really want is a drink
Again and again, you are in front of me
With that smile and that look
You reach out and grab my hair
Not letting me look away
As you unbuckle your belt
You have me where you want me...again
And again
And again...

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


I stand in a cold place
Dark, damp, dripping
He appeared, your friend
Although I know him, I don't
Not really
I don't know his voice until he speaks
Walking to your house, it's a big house
Not what I expect, nor what I know
I don't know this layout from before
I eat, talk and sleep
I live in your house
I see your room, your strange bed
Your bed with ruffled sheets
You jumped out of it this morning
Were you late? or just lazy?
You are in the doorway
exasperated, surprised
I am nervous but a little triumphant
You are speechless and defeated
I wake up too quickly
I am late!

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2001

Wrong thoughts

You have my mind mostly
every other minute is you
But do I know you?
It seems so sometimes
It has been a long time
Yet not
You make me smile
and laugh and sigh
And that's a good thing
Isn't it?
I do question it
The answers are at the bottom of the glass
But I never quite drink it dry
Leaving those words where they are
Seems to suit me for now
It is what it is
And I like that

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

15 Years

Memory filled junk
is all that is left
of what seems like
a lifetime
So I trashed it
Smashed it all
The merry-go-round
finally stopping in a place
I don't recognise
A new place
We have been on it for so long
everytime the horses stopped
The scenery was the same
and so we started all over again
The view is so very different now
and I did cry
I grieved one last time
and now I'm done
Burning these pieces of paper
and letting the ashes fly on the wind
Giving us back to the universe
A universe in which we should always
have stayed friends
It took ME 15 years to figure that out
I hope you figure it out one day too

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Custard Creams & Midget Gems

It feels like an old house,
It is home to me
The broken motorbike
Leans against the shed
Tells me I belong here,
I am loved
Floral scent and mauve hues
Painting an antiquated view
Of you, paisley nylon
and apron-warm
The smell of apple pie
and suet on your hands
Who were you?
Amongst all that caring
All that self-sacrifice and class
When your purpose died
So did you.....gone
Without so much as a word
Or one last custard cream
You were everyone to me
And you were everything to me
And so very soft
I remember so many things
And wonder where they are
Little pieces of you to cling to
I want to sit across from you now
You know why I need you
You were the only one
That ever looked at me
With an ounce of understanding in your eyes
For you to hold my hands
and understand what I have to tell you
Come home to this old house
Just for one moment
Bring me my yellow bear
and my midget gems
I'm sitting here in the car, staring
Seeing a little girl run down the hill
And through the bushes
I know where she is going
I'm here, all grown up
The keys are in the ignition
Looking at the box full of rooms
The memory box
It's not a home anymore
It makes me ache inside
You were the home.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

False Hope

Nothing is as new as this
Nor has ever been
and I want to keep it
The urge to make it mine
is powerful and childlike
This glitter is not a false gold
only one that has grown
with much time and thought
I want to grab it and hide it away
To polish it and make it shine
Remembering this feeling of old
yet not quite being able to place it here
An unrecognisable warmth and fear
that I can't fit in the box
I have tried but the lid gapes open
Persistently shouting at me
Refusing to be ignored
I don't care how many questions I get
I will answer them all in my own way
There are many things around me
and yet nothing of substance shows
Just me, right here
with this fire in my mind
and an impatient smile.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


You have said your piece now
or is it peace?
Opening the cherry pie
and letting its truth spill onto your hands
Smearing its reckless stain
Once worn it can't be stopped
But it has a warmth to it
And that is your conviction
Hold onto this small relief
Repeat it over and over
and cling to it -
A stained white feather
That needs to fly
Guilt doesn't exist really
only in your own mind
Your feelings and your heart
The others are not feeling guilt
only pain, but it will pass
Get from one side to the other
such a small distance now
and then let it go
A change of mind,
Wanting it back
Are your feet cold?
Time to get off the one-track
and finish what was started
Because I know
What happens at the end
And I want that for you too

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


I miss it so very much
That skin sliding warmth
Just hold me, right here
Just for a minute
Fix the fix, please
Top me up
Just for a while
Wrap me in soothing energy
It won't take long
A few minutes, that's all
There is too much space
Wide open space, around me
I need to close that gap
Right now

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

One Of Those Days

It's one of those days
You know them
The ones where you feel
like you can run with scissors
or mow the lawn bare foot
The feeling starts inside somewhere
A solar plexus warmth
It starts to tingle
and grow
until every nerve ending
begs for release
You become restless
The practicalities of normality
are no longer an option
And the only thought in your head is
What the fuck am I going to do now?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Dots ...

Waiting ... for a suitable break
I need to catch my breath and ... pause
Ellipses ... leading to something new
Hidden and about to come to ... light
Trailing off ... into silent thought
Pondering what comes ... next
Or maybe is quiet by omission?
All those unspoken ... notions
and untold events ...
contained within three ... little ... dots
What if and why?
When and how?
... Maybe?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


When such beauty disappears
into an unretrievable void
My sadness overcomes me for a while
Just for a few hours
I lose my inspiration
and my reason for being who I am
All that admiration and awe
snatched from my sight
Nothing new is coming and
I cannot comprehend it
and I withdraw and panic
The more I try to hold on
The darker the black becomes
It loses its cadmium hue
Deepens with prussian blue
I am left with an empty pallete,
in this moment the colours merge
and become dirty and useless
I have a monochrome thought
and a wasteful feeling
and I lose myself in it for a time.
But it isn't gone
Because of who you were
it lives on
and always will have a breath of its own
And now I face my final encouragement
The blackness is gone
The colours are cleaner
and the last box is ticked
For as you lived
So shall I
In freedom and expression

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Chronic Blood

The wheel still turns as she lies... broken
Shattered and used beneath soft focus sky
She is contemplating life
Her pain, her ability to move
And her time from this moment
Not this immediate time
That will take care of itself
Acute angles are easy
Her mind is travelling chronically
Obtuse thoughts should come later
Much later ... it's too soon
Can she comprehend it?
Her body moves of its own accord
It is being taken away
and she starts to laugh
Maybe she waited her whole life
To become this fucked up
She had known and she now knew
So had she planned for it?
Predicted it?
Surely not

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

La Petite Mort

You reign over me in your blood,
My splayed limbs forever beneath you
You descend your gaze with a smile
Contemplating your next move deliberately.
Escalating the dance, transforming my flesh
into nothing but want
Where will it come from this time?
A wave of sense moves over skin
and I wait...and think...and expect...
Your deep stride and methodical breath
Entices my own breath into gasps
A feather touch drags a slow,
soft moan from my succulent mouth
Such sweet supplications uttered
from within carmine-glossed lips.
I twist and rise up to meet it
Kneeded... needed
Second-guessing and wanting
My cries punctuate the words
As your touch brings death
Just small deaths ... again
...and again

~ Copyright Charlie Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Lost Circle

Three years ago I searched relentlessly
For something that I desperately wanted to see
I was looking for somewhere I had been before
Yet I had forgotten where I left it
It took me three days to find it again
... three years later
The long truck climb
Lilting and twisting, almost turning
The hillside beckoning in danger
And promise of discovery
Don't fall asleep!
The wheels stop turning
And the up-struggle begins
The real one
Forever ascending
I know it is there
Waiting for me
It wants me back
Tiredness overtakes me
A pothole breaks my path
And as I fall, I see
The very thing I need
My energy returns and I run
Endorphin-soaked rage
Spurring me to the top
And there it is
My sanity in stones
My circle of ME
I sit, finally, with someone's effigy
Placed beneath a small piece of this temple
And contemplate why I am here
It is perfectly obvious
I found my peace.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Wasted silken locks fall, beckoning
Downwards... sliding from ivory
Years of waiting for this love
Make her tear down her tower in haste
She lets him grab and pull
She likes it at first, asks for more
As his hands claw at the spun gold
And clench deep into her skulls flesh
She throws her head back to help him
To pull him closer to her
And on this occasion, he seems more
A heavy weight, a dragging lump
Sharp nails dig in...
Piercing and slicing the careful braids
Unravelling her masterpiece
Refusing to fall away
She shakes her head
The tendrils sway violently
But still he refuses to let go
Twisting his fists, harsh and stubborn
The braids come loose
First one and then six
Each one torn from her head
Pieces of her scalp and her brain
Hang ragged from their broken roots
He doesn't give up
Until every last follicle is ripped
Mercilessly from her mind
He leaves with his woven trophy
Trailing blood-soaked memories on the ground
As he walks away

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


If I were perfect, I would tell you
all those perfect things I have done
I could look down from my pedestal
and tell you how wrong it all is
and how very bad you are
I am full of life's mistakes
So that doesnt really help
There IS one thing though
Just ONE thing ...
that makes me want to slap you
What are your views on honesty?
of being true before you jump?
How many seconds did it take for you to think...
this is perfectly alright?
But you will not have that answer for me
You're not brave enough are you?
In being dishonest you seek to humiliate
In being easy, you seek to betray
Stay away from me coward or I will make it worse
and do not seek solace in my life's mistakes
I may have hurt others and caused pain
but the one thing I always was
was honest..... with MYSELF!

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


This morning I tried, so very hard read
but the spaces inbetween took my attention
and the steam from my coffee cup
spoke to me...more than the spaces and words
I can see so many reasons in these changing wisps
Different situations show in guilt and caffeine-soaked lies
Each one demands a different response, an increased angle
I shift uneasily in this realisation, as one rule dissipates after another
To condemn one and not another seems as wrong as the anger I feel
The spinning coin shows a hundred sides
Moulded and twisted to fit its purpose
Is it that empowering force and fight for happiness?
or immaturity ...drenched in half and half selfishness?
Should I rip you apart? or forgive you?
We are not really individuals...we all filter into the same pot
It doesn't matter who we are on our own
we are judged on our actions within meetings
of like minds...or not?
No sugar please...
I like to taste purity
The question of why gives too many answers
So just decide what you can cope with
and get on with it as best as you can
There are always more solutions...
in the next cup.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Inside a distant memory of sensitive convulsions
The whirlpool's scar agitates off the beaten track
Nothing changes over the slightly rippled calm
A repaired place where the cracks are still apparent
Unnerved and weakened currents flow in osmotic disquiet
Attenuating its full purpose, as each side becomes one
A violent pull presses and pushes at the party's end
As a wild ride, for a short time, takes it home
This true test of neuron strength fakes the brave
And then becomes diffuse ... slowly it disappears
Hardly detectable, the pathetic dregs of the storm within
Only a half-healed laceration, raised and Hellish red
Stares back at those who question the events and facts
No hiding outside these tumultuous walls
It is a subtle reminder of the maelstroms path

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Nothing here to tell me in kind
Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting nothing
in effort and relentless confusion
it's difficult here in my own web
sometimes ember-scorched fibres
penetrate through unique crystal patterns
trashing them, slaughtering symmetry
and throwing calamity into calm pools
but not really calm, just a game
A false shade over smiling tones
carved concrete cages that wont let me be
Sabotaged subconsciously, thoughtless battles
that leave me in boisterous silence, thinking
What the hell was that?

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Look once and leave it
Vacant, wrong and listless
Behind the sky is still alive
but out of reach again
The horror before this, a reflection of hate
A catatonic contrast in glowing void
Bronze shimmer edges its macerated stare
A shadow crosses the path and stops to think
Pushing deeper into these wounds ... gently
Teasing them ... Can it take more?
Is it pleasure? No, no just leave it alone
Nothing can make this right
No purge can fulfil that need
Not like the beginning
Not anymore
Nemesis shiver and it's a game anyway
So it goes on ... with little point
Only rage and pity in this dead weight
Stripping and testing in sticky warmth
With no way out until it is done
And when it is done
It feels empty once more
As the ivy grows quickly
Covering what was once new and fresh
Painting its face in twisted green
Committing this sin to an old garden
Forever buried but not entirely lost

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


The sigh runs through me
and I knew it was coming
A buried reason for this
A hidden agenda for that
The world is tinted green
as the reflection you see
is bounced back at me
Forgetting yourself in familiarity
awkward moments and silence
The floor looks good tonight
and I like looking at my shoes
Now merging with the grass
as I ramble through
this overwhelming shade
I re-painted my view long ago
so my angst must be apparent
when I see my fresh new colours
become dirty and lifeless
with an old hue
Shutting the door...finally
was the best thing I did all night
As I pushed back against it
my sigh returned with relief
My physical body catching
up with my spirit
No thoughts of you all night
even though you were next to me
My mind is most definitely
and even if somewhere
is going nowhere
I am never coming back.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Long Awaited Meal

My teeth meet cracked resistance
as I bite through your hard, crisp shell
The toughened layer that protects you
from determined canines like mine
A pause with effort, just for a second
and then I sink through quickly
gliding through your softer, pulped flesh
It feels like near-warm butter
Your disguise is easily fractured
and wounded, a true taste
of who you really are inside
I keep your fetid secret to myself
in frustration and disgust
for the longest time
You are oblivious to the marks
and the neat, punctured pattern
My fangs dig in and wait
I know that when the time comes
I can release my stubborn grip
and massage my aching, frozen jaw
as I lean back with a heavy sigh and watch
letting everyone see your soul
in exposed, rancid blood flow
and putrid meat

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Woodchip Incubi

Lids are heavy in seeing last glimpse
Finally cease to trace the hated wallpaper
Flutter open and sink again
and again in seconds
Weight and sprawling paralysis
Comforter moving with pressure
But not me, I am still
So deathly still and pounding
inside my head
Adrenaline flows in an urge
to flutter back open but I dare not
A long time waits inbetween
and I know the moonlit growth
still spreads and breeds on my wall
More texture in patterned hell
A thousand little drop shadows
that I yearn to see
But if I give in and look
My horror will show itself to me
Still not moving but being moved
and then ... nothing
release and feather-light
Pressure gone, not pressing or pushing
In seconds I flick open and look
Reaching out I stroke the wall
My pulse in my fingertips matching
each gaudy, hideous lump, beckoning
Door slowly shuts in half-light
I think it did ... or did it?
Maybe not
I can only see the woodchip

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Sex Is Stupid

Disorganisation takes over in time
Even the froth on my skinny latte is uneven
I am repulsed by everything
Chaos, death, sex, life, myself
Sex is stupid really
and pathetic in its needs
So why do I feel this way?
I can use a sharpie to block it out
Scribble in those parts of my mind
and make it look like something else
Like a forged signature gone wrong
Alter it carefully and hope for the best
Maybe I shouldn't think this way at all
The flowers over there are dying slowly
and the corners are moving to the middle
as always, all this effort makes me tired
because it's never real

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Social Networking Star

Hanging, vacant and useless
I have sometimes had use for you
and your vapid, pointless life
But I am bored now
I've done my part, thanks
So, justify your super games
Your stage set is half-alive
With old-hat rounds of elimination
(And misplaced ego, of course)
But futile and shameful
With bitter, twisted jabbing
And sneering superiority
Purpose disappears
What would I do with you now?
Tie off the life force
And leave you gasping for air
and attention
I simply see no reason
for the continuation of your existence

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Notice Me

I see underneath that which is obvious to most
When walking down a street I will see the grey-mix that blends in
The others, the desperate colours seem to be off focus to me
It's not easy to be hidden from my mind
But it is not easy to be noticed either
Nearly all of us pass over the important part of an equation
That's why algebra confuses even the best of us
You can watch the ground and window shop
But I have seen you, and noticed
The worth that you don't know you have
There are so many ways to sparkle amongst fake gems
And your quiet glint overwhelms me
Amongst the Technicolor motion trail elsewhere
As your shimmering aura billows into the bar
And then you disappear into the dark
A little of it hangs around as the doors swing shut
It trails across my path, I can feel it
The essence of a beauty inside

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

The Wrong Storm

Should I calm this storm for now?
My mind urges me to write about them constantly
The ever-battled stirring of my mind
and heart, not as random as yours
I think that I make a conscious effort
everyday, every minute.... to throw it to the back-water
and push it so that it stays against the breakers
but it's fucking pointless
as I have known for so long
that resisting this sky-clad collison
always would be a futile exercise
When something has been too obvious for too long
There is little point in looking the other way
A short time seems like an age now
Storms are frequently impatient
and the front following their wake
is always a surprise

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

30 Seconds For Those Who Think Themselves Too Special

She takes a moment to look around
Not even having to look down
From her self-fashioned pinnacle
The pedestal from which she preaches
Words flowing from genius mind for years
Yet we cannot touch them anymore
She made them unreal in her growth
"Look at this", we hear her cry (from way above)
"It's so beautiful, this small thing of the earth
I appreciate all that is beautiful
and poor and selfless and incidental
You foolish, mindless souls"
But her heart can no longer see the beauty
She shouts it quietly from some deep place
inside her superiority and wealth
Her special place inside a shabby-chic clique
With friends that mirror and reinforce it
How very sad it is to realise
that her words are just that
words....not thoughts or beliefs
Not even truth
They don't sound the same anymore
against a background of warm and smug
Watching the mindless ants crawl beneath
She is not down-to-earth
nor even mindful of it's grounding dirt
She is so far above it ... she can no longer see

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


As I sit here, the words in front of me start to blur
As if there were tears in my eyes, brimming but not yet falling
A heat surrounds me in moisture and cloying depth
I shift in my seat, widen my eyes and stare
Willing the black typeface to clarify itself
Again and again I try but the words sway and merge
Making new, unknown sentences, but then leaving
to join with another before I can read them in entirety
The heavy dew cloud descends further
Pressure building and I itch to get up and move
The words can hold me no longer, I give in
Walking to the window, I reach out for the heavy latch
Pushing downwards and throwing open the pane
In one swift, sharp movement it swings
And the moisture evaporates from my skin
The strong breeze hits me immediately
Temperate and swelling by the second
It wraps itself around me in an urgent sigh
Warm with a slight edge of chill
It is just right and heavenly so
It plays my hair back from my face
Makes me close my eyes and breathe into it
I lean into it almost to the point of falling
The words gradually becoming clearer
As my soul is cleansed from the inside out

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Stream Of Subconsciousness

I take a mouthful
and think

Judgement is on my mind
I never cared much before
Surprisingly I care now
I can feel the watchers
Measuring me up for neat boxes
But the drapery is not so fine inside
(when you feel awkward in it)
One task to the next
with nothing inbetween
shows vacancy at its best
and worst.... organisation
with a fucked up ecosystem inside
blows my mind
Squeeze my eyes tight shut
and search... fairly desperately
A few minutes pass
There is a feeling in the dark
but I am not sure how to express it

another mouthful
but not think

don't OVERthink for gods sake

I discover that on trying to sleep
The feel of the pillow brings novels
and streams of subconsiousness
that fade away in the absence
of a notebook

Another drink dear
...and sleep

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Long Drive

This place feels good
A road in the sun
A monotonous, comforting drone
as the world disappears behind me
in ever increasing speed
Just me, with a brighter view
for a few moments ... Hours?
Now, there's a thought
I have what you need
and I know it's driving you ...
... insane
as I drive and think
It eats at you slowly
and that knowledge
makes me want to keep driving
and tick more boxes on the days agenda
I smile and wonder ...
... wonder how long it will take
before my phone announces your irritation
The tune that I won't hear
as I turn up the dial
and push my foot further to the floor
another tune blasting from the speakers
I can make it louder if I sing
Grin ...
How long can you last inside
if I don't come back?
Maybe it could be different
if a "Good Morning" preceded ...
... "I need ..."

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Upon analysing, it seems torrid
and stressful.... it's really not
Giving truth is the only importance here
ensuring a true picture in all mirrors
Will make us deal with what we see
In some ways we are carefree
Other angles present a careful approach
and nothing seems right anymore
until this discovery is made
The thoughts bring pictures of far away
in time, and presence, we try to reform ourselves
but we will always be just who we really are
no escaping.... no change
not in essence... only surface maps that shift
and sweep, like isobars on a forecast
that might happen or not
it's all constantly shifting
Planning and angst makes the transformation
into hardened, dark places
that we construct for ourselves
to retreat into fall-down stasis
as an excuse for not living what we have
and my only conclusion
is that sometimes it all lines up
at the right time
and sometimes it doesn't
We will see ...

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

A valedictory Gestation

Inside your carefully weaved perfection
The idea is shocking and brings amusement
Clamour and disorder stir within
and yet fix the plastic smile
That smug look in torturous quiet
but ridicule hides behind.... and taunts
From Bacchanal to mother with no rough seams
The frayed edges could be picked at
But they are guarded so very well
A contrived surprise... a new accessory
So very cool and flawless on the rigid, manufactured surface
In watching you finally fall apart
The pleasure I feel is completely justified
Too perfect and superior
Better than anyone else...
Your incessant, irritating speeches
Burning in my inadequate brain
Ignoring my own cries for help... where are you?
Of course ... How stupid of me (again)
You're smoothing the creases from your Egyptian cotton sheets
I will return your fairweather outings
With a plastic smile
There, there ...
Now fuck off!

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Quiet and I'm busy as usual
Hush, just me and this
Always THIS
Holding this candle glass
and tracing patterns to stop it all coming out
The white flower in transparency
against the gold and curved black wick
Relaxing my eyes
as more flowers appear
Don't speak... just take it
A conveyor dog-run of filth and disrespect
highlights my new tattoo
in blunt hue on my skin
I polish that too ... make it shine
The wax inside starts to soften
and melt and flow and bubble
Frothing, it boils itself to the top
Stray drips cutting across the first bloom
and that is the moment when it becomes my fault
Playing your usual game of one against the other
So that you can sit and rot
and get twice as much "stuff"
I believe it all now ...
Blood IS thicker than water...
It's thick and sticky and rancid
and some things are said
never to be forgotten
even when the bleach scrubs it clean
I'll donate your stained shit to a worthy cause
and wait for your face to swell
and sting... a repeated slap
Stubborn? Oh, I know you are
But unfortunately, you learned from the best
Watch this space ... it has a new definition
and eventually you will see the gates slam shut
and no more excuses ...
I really want to end this one
as I did my last
but I am done and you already know
You wanted me to shut up?
You have your wish.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


In ONE I spend hours looking
For answers in the cement
and red texture of brick
I stand there and call to you
but you remain silent
looking at the brick too
but on the other side
Your clone talking and
making the right moves
The cohesion now building barriers
instead of bridges over the watchers
Travelling back with more time
to twist it and fuck it up
and strengthen the brick with stupidity
and wrong solutions ... Swallowing sawdust
It's hot, so fucking hot
Cabin fever and feeling ridiculous
If my intelligence hadn't been insulted
we might be just fine ... I'm biting my anger
because of your friendship
A repeated name... over and over
The pain in your eyes
Eyes that cannot see anything else
when that name is spoken
Fuck it ... it is what it is.
In TWO I find warm caffeine
and comfort in desperation
Stroke my hair and tell me I'm beautiful
as you always do... soothe my ego
But it's wrong, and my judgement wavers
Just for a while... warmth in closed eyes
Reminiscing about how wild we were
How wild I was ... and hard hearted
I wish I was that hard now... and that wild
I need to be stone.
In THREE I find similar shades
Advice and empowerment
long waited in its delivery
A side line, an opportunity to pounce
for missed opportunities and karmic rebalance
I am tempted ... really tempted
No longer matters what I write
Your thoughts have changed
and I can't fix that
Sigh... maybe I shouldnt look at all three
when I can only see one
and in my unexpected reactions
to such matters, I should remove the target
from my aching back
and retreat into myself.
I should be ONE without a care
for three ...

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Lions And Daaaahlings

I'm shocking you, possibly
As you send your lions roar
and I approach too quietly
but firmly close your jaw
and sssssssssshhhhhh
The lioness makes the noise
her own roar rushing through her heart
A meeting of strength
brings quiet for a while
And enlightenment... *smile*
There is a point here
where she could lose something
It is important but
it intimidates the pack
and the intended target
She roars with such a force
that they have no choice but to run
and stay silent
Her roar continues
for days, months, weeks
but they dare not come back
In unexpected strength
the issue is pushed away
and nothing is solved amongst the din
Sitting, drinking, on the edge with a wonderful view
She holds her nose and jumps
unexpectedly.... into the blue
4 cups align nearby in dissatisfaction
indecision with many choices clouds her vision
Is it comfort? A warm slave to soothe her wounds
Or is it truth?
Hanging from the tree by one foot
I can see that coins are nothing more
than round objects
and then I look to you....
your shape and your retreat
and wonder if your value
was ever there at all
I right myself... I look a fool
I'm here amongst the cool folk
wanting to know everything about "daaahling"
and it's been a long time since I indulged that
So indulge it I did... with my mane
and my roar... but it's accepted
in aquaintance-lonely town
Drinks with everything
against a silk screen backdrop
moving on... noise again
send them back into a corner
well done ... thats 5 now
but I need this
You behind your rock
makes me sad
and I miss just being normal with that
fabulous shoes take me back
to claustrophobia
the way it always was
when i lived it 24/7
always out... networking
being gorgeous and fabulous
in labelled fabrics and the right bars
it's nostalgic in its loneliness
Everyone is here yet no one is there
my memories of when this was my life
rushing back... but still they are gone
It is most exciting yet the loneliest place in the world
A world full of networking, exciting little prison cells
When the doors are open and you're on the up
and IN... it's wonderful
So you can stand the end of the night despair
Rushing by so quickly... a fast, furious agenda
to not miss that person to give you a lift up
Finally anaesthetising your brain enough
to go home to no one
because you wont notice their absence
as you pass out on the bed

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

One Part Of The Song

Velvet memories carry me down this road
and I'm waiting for one particular sound
Just that one ballsy part that makes me smile
and think... well yeah... really
the memories... that mutual smile
telling me that no matter what
we both really like this
The half - fed moon makes my feeling a bit bland though
I do crazy well... for a few minutes
then I get a grip...
I don't want anything more now
than was meant to be... just a karmic re-fix
and we will be on our way
For one that says Im shit
I have a hundred that say Im not
so I listen to this bit over and over
and drive and drive and drive
50 minutes at 90 revs took my anger away
not in the car though
and brought my sweat
rinsed off with a cold dose of reality
and a hot shower
and a realisation that I'm fucked if it will be this way
I want it fixed like old times
when we could look around us
and I'll be thinking the same things
as you, at the same time
and acting on them
Insanity always ensued
with blue teeth and stone laugh
but we cleaned it up afterwards
and slept off the salt on the carpet
bleaching his jeans again
and so it goes
Boots and bottles thats what I remember
no time to think... we drink
and laugh....
Maybe thats the answer
Except I've stopped bleaching his jeans
and I'm never going back

- Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


In looking into this guilded frame
I am pushed away
Distraction comes to mind
and I'm on a different track
The list of things I can do is endless
and I do them all with haste
no thought... and I can't be me
because you are inside all the time
... your tears and your despair
my fault... what am I going to find?
What will remain after I take this time?
selfish and unthinking ..I can't breathe out
Thinking would require that I enjoy myself
and live ... but your unkempt nails claw and clutch
again and again and I push this image away
The one I know I will see in reality soon
It's a matter of time
Until I find that wax stare
and the final pose that is so very you
and if I didn't really have fun
Then my guilt will be less
Because there will come a time
When you will threaten me
at times when I'm trying to find something
for myself... and I truly will
just walk away
and the lump inside me
will be forgotten ...
but not my guilt

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Temperance In Lillies

Hindsight scales are tipping badly
The balance is off somehow
You are stressed and you spill it all
rapid, endless lines of your crap
I care... I truly do
But you don't really .. I am just there at times
When I choose to show myself to you
Because I know your pain
I could explain to you another side of it
Because I live the mirror image of you
But you won't hear it... not yet
I am just words now... not truth
and if you knew how wrong you are
right here and right now
If you knew how utterly arrogant
your assumptions seem to be...
You would realise that you can't hide
your irritation ... in defusing the situation
Because you are so very like me
and I know myself when I see it
They were too hot in my hands anyway ...

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

The Roses Are Still White

I've been painting this one for too long
It is no longer a spontaneous burst of vision
but something overworked and dog-tired
An attention to detail that should not have wasted
away in thick, creeping globules of sticky red
that slide and bubble over white wax
that doesn't want to be hidden
The missing piece drooling from petals
that have no delicacy... not whimsical
just solid and heavy
and endessly resistant to the mould
that is you and I
Divine unrest and shuffling feet
blend this palette of bright colours
to white... like light
Always white.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


I humour this notion, that she may be me
and I her ... and that one too
I lose my first thoughts; which is irritating
But I think that they may be more clear now
I have outgrown this building, with its closed windows
I push them open with my arms and legs, like Alice
... but I still can't move...
The Caterpillar reveals my inner workings with a fucked up glee
Yet I stare at him as if he were quite simply insane
Someone approaches the door, they can't get in
I brush them away, like a fly; The Caterpillar eats!
"How long are we going to do this?" I ask
"For as long as you will allow it, dear" he licks his non-lips
I pondered that, I have wondered before ... slowly
Not persona-bound ... just a different view
And I miss them when they are gone
So I'll make them all mine and keep my indignant stare
Shrink myself ... my limbs ... my heart
I don't want to be stuck here with him anymore
So I won't be

~Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Holiday In Hell

Stimulating my right temporal lobe
What should it achieve?
A near-death experience... just to test out the heat
The unending burn of eternity
The process is over and false
and I am left with an astral view
that is a gift..... and a curse
not to be swept underneath the persian twine
In looking from the depths of the earth
I see the reasons that just are
Strange beings that fill wounds with more pain
a time loop reliving the same shit again and again
Sitting on a actively volcanic beach
I want to laugh, but I'm not really impressed either
The reasons I have sought from every incident
are there for me to see
It should be an epiphany... cept it burns my feet
it just leaves a taste of sadness
and scorched skin
and the need for another drink

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


I'm trying to remember
(between the flashbacks)
whether I ever talked to you
Making my mind blank
(to the point of sleep)
brings no recollection
of a conversation
not an utterance, nor a question
Just a whole lot of shifting
and moving, colour and light
(and then not so light)
It's a little dark
I can't remember anything about you
anything you have done
(or might be doing)
perhaps even want to do?
I know that I could not have forgotten
You can't have told me in the first place
Because I really can't...
... remember

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

The Visiting Place

This place is constant, but it's toxic
Slimed with dark-green algae and lost hope
I open the door once a day
and watch the line of snivellers shuffle forward
Giving compliment and thanks... snorting the ground
like pot bellied pigs, starving and wanton
Your light is not here, nor your dark
nor your answer ... *snap*
This old, beaten shack stands here as a sign
that you are fickle and crass and needy
it's a diversion that only the weak will see
the distressed, crumbled skeletons that grasp
at anything they think might do in the moment
Seeping, oozing wounds mark this place
and I trudge through it, smearing your crap
on my skin and my heart
It's not here.... it's not now
Stop coming to this place
Your presence is it's only reason for existence
and in your absence... it will fall to the ground
and then rise and flourish in a transformation
from fetid shrine... to stunning beauty
Your name's not down
You're not coming in

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Degrees of Calm and Disturbance

Sliding glass with blinding image reflected
Enough to bring the endless comments
about the calm ...and that's how it was then
Smooth yet harsh, creeping chills
with anticipation ... the ripples come back late on
Warmth in a blanket and a chair on a deck
placed carefully so I can see
the exact moment the current changes
and expect it and deal with it
My eyes focusing and adjusting to movement
rather than the cold mirror
And it does break, amongst 4 warm souls
but we stand against by one
and a different game is played
I didn't want to leave ...I now wish I hadn't
Because the ripples here come unexpectedly
and I can't preempt any of them
so I deal in short notice
and angst with half of the warm souls
Everyone is a stranger here ...wanting a piece of me
for free and within minutes ...or I'm gone
No time to do what I'm supposed to do
Just erased, deleted, ignored and thrown out
when I dont produce an answer
or a shoulder.... within moments of a crisis
and I wish for that patience and understanding
that I gave you all ... with grace and dignity
and the appearance that tells me
you still think.... yet you do not wait... why?
The clone kicks in... even with the best of us
One foot in front of the other as
numbness becomes the sliding glass
I'm not good enough
I don't look right
I don't fit
Is it this? That? The other?
I'm not magazine perfect
So I stand and face (reluctantly and in fear)
these judgemental fucks ... and weather it
All I can do is look up at the sky
and search for La Luna...
and ask her what the fuck I'm doing
She is thinking the same as me and
gives me such an answer early on
So I know for too long ... (which makes the weather worse)
before the ripples return... it isn't right at all
but they are there in front of me in a short, sharp wave
and I'm thinking "Why are we doing this?"
But I am too courteous to break it short
I let you all have that pleasure
On turning my planned response is polite and friendly
as that is what it is
It shows in my face with no soul ... and no rhythm
and I can't find the same beat
What the fuck are you doing?
I thought it was over hours ago
The ripples and calm are so mixed now
I can no longer tell them apart
I know a place where they are definite
and soothing and anticipated
and I miss it

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


The ice cold ocean spray wakes us all up
on this never ending walk
We have done it time and time again
and it always lights up their faces
It's a jolt for me
A moment of wondering
and feeling right again
Just for a few moments... until the next wave
Exhaustion creeps over these little ones
and I turn and see that image I love so much
lulled senseless by the drone of going home
I wonder again...
Pretty Vacant punctuates my thoughts
with harsh reality... and a gut feeling
Time after time, track after track
we smile and look back
and think it's all ok
It was just another good day
We have had many recently
But I can't ease the pain in your eyes
without bringing it back again eventually
It's all just nostalgia
and history

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


Pixel collections frustrate me
but I have no option
my attention is needed
Concentrate for gods sake
and dont go to sleep!
The rules will change tomorrow
whatever I do or say leaves a question
always unanswered with no balance
There is no solution to any of this
It will go round and round
the scales swinging wildly
from one end to the other
Its a 400 ...
a bad request
or a 404 ... not found
and one too many clicks
None of this is actually here
and I spend hours looking for the extra comma
the gap in the code
sometimes that fixes it
sometimes not
I guess not

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Cold Strength

I'm tired of being strong
I've done everything - twice
through every corner of my life
for ever; well, it seems that way
Always providing that remedy
as you put your pathetic head
in your weak hands
and cry ...
There's no point in stupid tears I'll say
I'll sort it - again
How things change and swing
Turn around - completely
No middle line, I've had enough
Walking barefoot in the grass
The dirt grounding me
restoring the shit that you leeched from me
and I shake you off
I don't want to be strength anymore
I'm not weak - far from it
Just bitchy, and quiet
Watching you all struggle
chills the platter
because when I am silent
You know that I will not crumble
rather calculating in my stillness
the circumference of this circle
almost complete; as you forget
and relax and the ends meet again
in karmic harmony and dosage
Yes, I'm quiet and calm
but waiting to serve it up cold.

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008

Losing Colour

Open ... one, two, three
What colour is it supposed to be?
Outwards or downwards
What did she say?
Where is the light
that's heading my way?
Transparent petals
internal bright
I'm falling asleep
and losing the fight
Cant think how many
or sequence of hue
I've mixed up the order
whilst thinking of you
Damn mind ... keep still
Don't concentrate
Don't think about that!
Uh-oh too late!

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008


At 30-something I stood still
and looked around
no longer invincible and free
the doubts creep into my mid-life brain
"What am I to be?
A woman
in perfection
at home
in bed
as a mother
as a wife
as a daughter
as a sister
as a friend
Obviously I should
have picked myself up
from that post natal bed
still in my size 8 skin
gone home with my kids
to my showroom house
and smiled pleasantly at every turn
Held down a job and stayed at the top
No room to be human anymore
With a fat ass and a freaked out mind
No sign of living should I show...
eradicate every stress and line
Just grin and bear it all
Like nothing matters anymore
Keep walking
with one foot in front of the other
and try harder to be
... sigh

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008