Degrees of Calm and Disturbance

Sliding glass with blinding image reflected
Enough to bring the endless comments
about the calm ...and that's how it was then
Smooth yet harsh, creeping chills
with anticipation ... the ripples come back late on
Warmth in a blanket and a chair on a deck
placed carefully so I can see
the exact moment the current changes
and expect it and deal with it
My eyes focusing and adjusting to movement
rather than the cold mirror
And it does break, amongst 4 warm souls
but we stand against it...one by one
and a different game is played
I didn't want to leave ...I now wish I hadn't
Because the ripples here come unexpectedly
and I can't preempt any of them
so I deal in short notice
and angst with half of the warm souls
Everyone is a stranger here ...wanting a piece of me
for free and within minutes ...or I'm gone
No time to do what I'm supposed to do
Just erased, deleted, ignored and thrown out
when I dont produce an answer
or a shoulder.... within moments of a crisis
and I wish for that patience and understanding
that I gave you all ... with grace and dignity
and the appearance that tells me
you still think.... yet you do not wait... why?
The clone kicks in... even with the best of us
One foot in front of the other as
numbness becomes the sliding glass
I'm not good enough
I don't look right
I don't fit
Is it this? That? The other?
I'm not magazine perfect
So I stand and face (reluctantly and in fear)
these judgemental fucks ... and weather it
All I can do is look up at the sky
and search for La Luna...
and ask her what the fuck I'm doing
She is thinking the same as me and
gives me such an answer early on
So I know for too long ... (which makes the weather worse)
before the ripples return... it isn't right at all
but they are there in front of me in a short, sharp wave
and I'm thinking "Why are we doing this?"
But I am too courteous to break it short
I let you all have that pleasure
On turning my planned response is polite and friendly
as that is what it is
It shows in my face with no soul ... and no rhythm
and I can't find the same beat
What the fuck are you doing?
I thought it was over hours ago
The ripples and calm are so mixed now
I can no longer tell them apart
I know a place where they are definite
and soothing and anticipated
and I miss it

~ Copyright Charlotte Sometimes (SRWB) 2008